repeat

Once again I only tend to post when i am at my worse I guess its a way to vent. I feel like life is on repeat. I achieve goals but they seem to sour with time. I should be happy with what I have but it all becomes bitter. I get payed to little to live. My work environment gets rearranged. My work space get smaller. My hard work is ignored so they dont have to pay me more, belittled. Lowered broken down. People think they can read me but what the fuck do they really know. Why do I still want to do this job. You think after all the trouble of university to achieve this goal there would be a sweet reward at the end. But it just leads to more frustration. I think I just give up. Whats the point when you love your work and hate it just as much. Nothing is ever fucking simple. I wish I didn't have dreams or aspirations cause there more disappointment from them. All the things I want to do and no ability to do them. Student loan debit eats most of lively-hood the rest goes to rent a 2 meal a day or less food budget. Its really the life. Figure when you have 2 degrees and are skilled that your make a living have a saving. Be on your way, think again. Reality is bitter sweet. Mostly bitter.
Oh and ever year or 5 a relationships ends its just a never ending repeat. The pathic things is I am left with friends from it that only care when i am a good mood. Most people only like half of me. They would like a manic dumb version for good. But I am not that lucky.
So yet again I am single after putting in way to much effort on a guy that couldn't even tell if i was in a good mood or a bad one or didn't give a fuck. That provided zip for comfort that just want an eating companion that he wanted to talk to. Why did I bother. Oh because being lonely sucks. Maybe I cant stand my own company.

I think if stay alive my life just going to keep repeating this pathic cycle. Its pathic that I think death is a better option. I dont really believe much in an after live one life is bad enough and one without purpose sucks even more.
If i had know it was just going to keep getting shitter I would have just and should have just ended it early not that I had much luck with that. If only dieing was an easier task with less chances of fuck ups that would just make it even worse. Meh
just a never ending cycle of shit and wishing it would end gets me no where.

need...

how true are you
am i just one of many
or a one an only
i feel angry
i feel upset
sometime i wish i never let my guard down
What am I to you
why do I wear my heart on my sleeve to see it ripped off
Do you see me
you act like others i know
it worries me
will i just be played
a fun time to cast aside
how much are you will to invest
is it just about you or do you care about me
do i just satisfied a need?

I am frustrated I am angry
I am not fitting that mold you want
I am trying to forget give my all
but i am shot down
cant handle my emoshions
argue and fight
to many different
you don't want me for me some ideal that inst there any more
I annoy you and you annoy me
when did that start to happen
I finally give my all and
all I am finding is its falling apart.
What can i do
my personal is the issue but you said you didn't want something fake
I am stressed out and annoyed I feel angry
I try but it not worth it push me away some more
I feel broken and unwanted

At a loss of understand
dont know how to step away
understand that all that will come will hurt
I dont know if you will speak to me again
I dont know i how i should feel
but i feel quick dead
i dont want to break u
but i dont want to pretend
i am just getting older
i dont think i am any wiser maybe stupid in someways
i shouldnt have used you as a life boat to only on to
I hate myself for being unfair
I wish i could feel some think
but i just feel numb and dead
I know you'll hate me and I don't think I can stand it
I am sorry I can't be what you want me to be
I hope your still talk to me
I dont want to break you
but i cant just sit by and act like i should
I have a feeling i be lonely for a long time
but i cant be what you want
sorry

Change a never ending rework of oneself
is one ever happy with what they are
is there a point where you dont feel that you need change
thought it would get simpler doing what i want
but no its just more complication
You think nothing will change its for better
promise that nothing will change
but it does, what happen to the things we uses to do
frustration is rooting and maybe some changes shouldnt happen
why cant people believe what you say
maybe its time to face the bigger fear

fairytale ending dont exist
and if they do they don't exist me
i would wreck it some how.
Just idle ramble of an over active mind
and off switch would be nice

i dont know what to do
I think about you
but i dont know who you think of
i care for you
you were there before
but you disapear with distance
where other made the effort to call
you never did
i know you had work to do i know you like others
but where do i fit in
how do you view me
do you want to move on
i dont if should i dont know how it will miss up more things
I think about moving on to someone that supported
but a one point time you did the same
I dont know if the time and distance
I just dont want to have to think about it
your family is like a 2nd home to me its odd now i dont know what to do
I do miss you
i dont know if the love is still there is it just attraction
though i was going to be with you forever i am lost now
the plans i made are nothing now
different paths scary me but interest me
I dont want to be un fair to other that i think about
cause i dont know what to do
So lost

what options

Dont know what to do
Still think about you but other thoughts are there
i am to much to deal with
wont to be the same for other
you have changed even more
i am worried
I miss you but i don't know if it will ever work
had my fairy tale ending worked out
So much for that
Loneliness it eats away
don't want to move on all the way
but don't want to harm other that support me
that wonder it i am ok
you didn't ever try to call or talk
would it be different with another
just doom to fail
when people learn you cant keep the happiness all the time
but i don't know if i want to move on
i miss your comfort even if you would never call
is it just the physical attachment left?
I am lost
trying to move on but feel like its all going to fail again
that it is hopeless
i dont know what to do
at a loss
dont know if you would want me back or not i dont know where i can go
really though it was going to be forever.
feel a bit bitter
moving forward seem to me a mess of thought
lost