repeat

Once again I only tend to post when i am at my worse I guess its a way to vent. I feel like life is on repeat. I achieve goals but they seem to sour with time. I should be happy with what I have but it all becomes bitter. I get payed to little to live. My work environment gets rearranged. My work space get smaller. My hard work is ignored so they dont have to pay me more, belittled. Lowered broken down. People think they can read me but what the fuck do they really know. Why do I still want to do this job. You think after all the trouble of university to achieve this goal there would be a sweet reward at the end. But it just leads to more frustration. I think I just give up. Whats the point when you love your work and hate it just as much. Nothing is ever fucking simple. I wish I didn't have dreams or aspirations cause there more disappointment from them. All the things I want to do and no ability to do them. Student loan debit eats most of lively-hood the rest goes to rent a 2 meal a day or less food budget. Its really the life. Figure when you have 2 degrees and are skilled that your make a living have a saving. Be on your way, think again. Reality is bitter sweet. Mostly bitter.
Oh and ever year or 5 a relationships ends its just a never ending repeat. The pathic things is I am left with friends from it that only care when i am a good mood. Most people only like half of me. They would like a manic dumb version for good. But I am not that lucky.
So yet again I am single after putting in way to much effort on a guy that couldn't even tell if i was in a good mood or a bad one or didn't give a fuck. That provided zip for comfort that just want an eating companion that he wanted to talk to. Why did I bother. Oh because being lonely sucks. Maybe I cant stand my own company.

I think if stay alive my life just going to keep repeating this pathic cycle. Its pathic that I think death is a better option. I dont really believe much in an after live one life is bad enough and one without purpose sucks even more.
If i had know it was just going to keep getting shitter I would have just and should have just ended it early not that I had much luck with that. If only dieing was an easier task with less chances of fuck ups that would just make it even worse. Meh
just a never ending cycle of shit and wishing it would end gets me no where.